Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
