what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
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