We named our party play list daddy issues
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
