Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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