Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Randomize
