so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
