You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
