Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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