My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
