I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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