You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
