I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Randomize
