i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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