did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Randomize
