i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
