So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
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