Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I would fuck him just for his dog
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
