Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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