Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
