if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
It's rum buckets o'clock
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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