my room smells like sperm. sweet.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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