youre lurking in front of me
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
