dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
