So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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