some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
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It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
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There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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