Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
