I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
worst night to have a conscience
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
