I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
