Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
