she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
They took my balls.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
