So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
