he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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