Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
