Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
