Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
