I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
