i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
