my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
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