rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize