pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
You're like the curious george of whores
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
