Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
