just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
