i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
