I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
