if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize