I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
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