And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
They are going to name an STD after you.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
