mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I just found a bag of teeth...
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
