Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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