i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
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you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
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The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
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