the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Randomize
