we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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